April 27th. I write this as a reminder…a personal one for me…as well as for anyone that is struggling to keep up with everything, or focusing on the future instead of today and the small acts of kindness, or for anyone that just needs to be reminded we are all in this game of life together and sometimes we all need a smile and hug to be reminded we have this…
It has been almost a decade since I heard these words…
“It’s just a mass…we don’t know what…it’s small…we will just monitor.”
MRIs became a ritual…almost like a cup of coffee, a morning work meeting, a run around the park…MRI’s every 3 months followed by a doctor visit.
It seems both like yesterday and also at times so long ago that these rituals stopped because I was told that my low grade Glioblastoma was now taking blood supply and had grown and surgery was required.
I felt I had it until I was told it had to happen in 2-3 weeks…
Those next 2-3 weeks were all about getting affairs in order, buttoning up life and work, preparing for the worst and staying optimistic that my strength, faith and determination would persevere.
I’ll never be able to truly articulate what being awake for 5 hours with your brain cut open, drilling, plates being inserted and trying to breathe so that I kept my pulse and anxiety low, really was like…and candidly I am the lucky one that lives to tell my story. The majority who have what I was diagnosed with never are afforded the luxury I have today – to continue to breathe and experience life.
The years have gone by and many days life provides distractions that allow me to not focus on my head. There are days my scar hurts or that I press on it while brushing my hair and for that moment am reminded of what was overcome. There are moments when I listen to others stories and am blessed to be reminded that we all have our scars and moments that have made us more ‘awake.’
Sometimes I truly just want to put this behind me and move on…not be reminded…sometimes I just want to be without my scars.
This anniversary of my surgery is hitting me a bit different. Part of that is due to a dear friend I lost recently…who leaned on me throughout her cancer treatment and her brain surgery – we shared stories of our medication we take, seizures we have had in front of our children and by ourselves – and how to face that fear and uncertainty. Part of it is due that I just had to get my annual MRI, and as I sat in the ‘tube’ my anxiety hit a level that I hadn’t felt in awhile…my brain took over and in the same breath of thanking God for the opportunity to be having an annual update, I also asked for help and strength to never make any tumors come back. And then there is part of me that with age makes my emotions come to bear more than when I was younger and death didn’t seem as close.
I am grateful that this anniversary is weighing heavy on me…it reminds me I am human. And it also reminds me to lean into cherishing the moments that make me feel AWAKE, focusing on the small acts that truly matter, and ensuring to be grateful and loving of my scars – as they make me who I am…and if I can embrace them and share my story…maybe, just maybe, that ripple effect will help others who have faced AWAKE moments to know…we are in this journey together.
“You get one life. Truly, sounds cliche, but it is about making the moments in life count not the number of breaths you take. I am lucky that I continue to get both still…breaths and moments to take my breath away. For that, I am eternally grateful.”
