February 28th.
It is a day inked in my memory, my heart and my body. A day that 15 years later continues to remind me…nothing is guaranteed in life…so make today count. Don’t wait to say I love you. Don’t wait to share that glass of wine. Don’t wait to go to the gym and start getting back in shape. Don’t wait to find a smile…Whatever it is you think you might have tomorrow for…you might not. Sarah taught me a lot about life, about love, truth, honesty, being badass, and truly embracing living in the moment. In fact…she keeps teaching me…especially in the moments and times I tend to “forget” … she seems to show herself in ways that knock me on my feet and plant a ‘subtle’ reminder.
Below is an excerpt I wrote two years after she passed…I have never shared it…it is time to share. If nothing else, a reminder to myself…even when life seems to be completely messy and unknown, there are smiles to be had, love to share and as long as you wake up, learn from yesterday and strive to be a good human…you are doing a pretty damn good job.
Sarah…here you go…the story of the email and the phone-call.
“Dial Up Connection & The Phone Booth”
My father once said, “Life is a journey, one with many chapters. Live in each moment, as if it was your last. Yet continue to learn, experience and love, as if you were going to do it forever.”
Out of all the journeys, experiences, love I have given away and received, and triumphs and losses faced, there was a moment 2 years ago, that, in a good way, I carry with me to remind me to always learn, love, and live in the moment, because life is a gift, to capitalize on and take advantage of.
It was a beautiful day in New Zealand. The fields ran on for miles and miles – filled with sheep, deep-rooted trees, wildflowers that highlighted the blue sky, worth crafting a new color crayon color of. I walked down the gravel road, one foot in front of another, with deep breaths every so often, only 8 more miles to town. Peel Forest, population of 249 people, had a General Store right at the base of town when I arrived. I had to check my email, a feeling I had for the last 2 hours of walking. I sat down at the dusty desk, positioned in the back of the store. I dialed up the internet, static noise filled the air. 1 minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, I was finally connected. I waited patiently for my inbox messages to pop up. “Joey?” Why would there by a message from Sarah’s husband? I clicked on the message, “Call me. It’s about Sarah. 720-xxx-xxxx.” The connection went dead right as I finished writing down the number. The owner of the store said nearest working payphone was 3 miles away, at a campsite.
I met Sarah during college when I worked at a restaurant. She was the head chef, I was a cocktail waitress and server. Her wedding was the first, of many, weddings I would plan. We shared many passions in life, including working out, learning, cooking up new menus, traveling and adventure and of course, drinking wine together. When I graduated from undergrad, I moved to Australia, with the intent to be gone a year. Before I left, Sarah said, “Write emails. Send pictures. I love you, and I’ll see you when the adventure is over. I’ll have a glass of red wine waiting.”
After a brisk 3 mile walk…I was standing in the middle of the campsite. I picked up the receiver, inserted the coins and dialed back to the States. Without knowing why, I could feel my hands shaking. The phone rang a few times, and Joey picked up, and with a heavy sigh. He told me to take a deep breath. As he told the story I sank down to the floor, tears rolled down my face, I wasn’t prepared for the words that were coming out of his mouth. I wasn’t expecting to loose her, not this soon. “Sarah’s heart stopped beating today, they couldn’t revive her.” We both cried, and in that moment my world changed.
My life has had many books/chapters; in fact I imagine I am on “Book 4” now…and who knows how many I will end up having…What each book/chapter has taught me is that your experiences are to grow from, never to regret, and each event makes you stronger and smarter. You decide who you want to stand for, who you want to surround yourself with, and what fuels your happiness. For me, Meghan Lea Hambacher, will hopefully never stop growing, give up, and have an amazing journey ahead. When Sarah passed I had to sit with myself for awhile…reflect, scream, cry, and learn how to operate without someone who I leaned on, a lot…In that reflection, I reminded myself…through the lens of Sarah…that I am a woman who is not afraid, jumps at adventure, loves to create, cares and gives sometime too much, yearns to love deeply, and seeks passion in all I do. I watch and I learn and am curious beyond measure (sometimes to my own detriment). I am quiet when I need to be, reflective always, and persistent and outspoken when integrity needs to be upheld. I am tough on myself (understatement) and try to be realistic with balancing ‘wants.’
Though I always knew…in these past few years…I really came to realize how much Sarah loved me for who I was. She made me want to be a better person…and always pushed me to reflect and grow…and we went through quite a few ‘chapters’ together. I will miss her not being here anymore for the chapters to come…yet I know her love and grace will be woven throughout them all…just in a way I didn’t expect…
I will always remember Sarah for the remarkable woman she was, her beautiful smile…she was a best friend, mentor, confidant and amazing chef. I carry her memory with me and when I look in the mirror everyday, I smile. I am proud of who I continue to become. Not because I am perfect…but because every moment, every learning, every failure and experience…I become stronger from and never give up to be better than yesterday. Sarah was always good at reminding me when I needed a nudge…and I know when I look in the mirror she is often there…reminding me to be badass and keep going…
…Until I have the opportunity to share a glass of wine with her again…I will do what Sarah would have wanted…to share smiles, seek adventure and love those close to you who make your world better…
